The Day In The Life of
by cyanide dragon
Summary: Peer into the life of a certain Shinigami...
1. Default Chapter

Because I love Byakuya, and many others do too, here is lots of Byakuya.

Disclaimer: Bleach—not mine. Fin.

The Day in the Life of Byakuya

6:05 AM

I woke up early this morning to wash my hair. Before that pig, Renji, could catch me singing in the shower and manicuring my nails. A guy must keep up his appearances, especially ones as hot as mine. I checked my beautiful self in the mirror and said, "Good morning, gorgeous. And you KNOW you are!" Now that my ego battery was fully charged, I showered and then carefully dried my silky midnight black hair. Of course, I did the hair-product commercial hair toss. Must check that lustrous sheen, you can never tell when it'll be there. Then, after carefully polishing my bone clips (how dare Renji call them 'girly barrettes'), I dressed accordingly in my flattering minimalist black and white uniform. I then proceeded to checked my sexy self in the mirror one more time. I was ready to grace the world with Byakuya.

7:10 AM

I went and woke up Renji. He sleeps like a dead rock, so I slapped his head with the hilt of my zanpakutou. Several times. After time number fourteen, the socially lower monkey woke up. And screamed. He thought I was a girl. Outrageous. How could a girl look as pretty, if not as handsome, as I do? I left ceremoniously as that red haired slob ran to the shower with his crusty old rubber ducky. Before going out again, I checked myself with the compact mirror I hide in my captain's jacket. Now time to eat breakfast and later grace the proletariat that is my fellow captains with my godly looks.

8:30 AM

Breakfast was delicious and very high-class, like myself. Brushed teeth, washed face again, hid my man-bag in my uniform, and headed out to start the day. Should check hair one more time, but I cannot be late for morning warm-ups for my team. What would those low-class animals do without my cultured presence and morality? Also, if I am late again, I will owe Renji lunch. I hate making lunch after a manicure.

9:30 AM

Warm-ups were excellent. I was early and directed an extremely vicious exercise routine today. Renji deserved it. I found out that when I was hitting his ridiculous head to awaken him, I chipped a nail. I would slap him, but that would be so very uncouth. Am currently on the way to a long captains' meeting about the rash of hollows in one specific district in Japan. Little vice-captain Hinamori just passed by and complimented my hair, saying it was, "looking very nice today". When it is time to elect new captains, I will remember to cast a vote in her favor. Renji can be a hangnail, er go hang, for all I care.

1:00 PM

That may have been the longest meeting I have ever sat through in my life. To pass the time after the first hour, in which all the important matters were discussed, I envisioned how I would beautify the captains. As Ichimaru Gin was, as the rabble say, "sucking up" to the first captain, I contemplated giving Ukitate a haircut. He has such nice hair, nice enough to rival mine, but the way he lets it trail in the dust and grow with split ends is wretched. Zaraki Kenpachi also needs a haircut and manicure. His nails seem bitten, but I bet he clips his nails with his zanpakutou. And the hair with the bells is giving him a receding hairline. Hitsugaya would do well to lower the dosage of gel he uses on his hair everyday. The chemicals must be making him short.

After Gin's little filibuster, Aizen retorted with a long speech. During this time, I contemplated making over Renji. Now that boy has a receding hairline, and his tattoos make him too ferocious to be desirable. He also needs to wash his hair more often, his head has its own personal snowstorm of dandruff every three days. Hinamori needs to wear more light, warm colors. Like pink. Will try to convince Aizen to allow uniform code to give exception to Hinamori. And Nemu needs to wear something beyond her little black ninja outfit. Her and Soi Fong. Must remember to buy them good clothes, a robot and a bitter, macho girl cannot comprehend how to select the color best suited for them. They can thank me later. Meeting still going, so I am writing in here now. Uh oh, we're going around the table to hear our opinions on the latest bill introduced by the Center 64. Will stop now.

3:00 PM

The meeting was finally over at 1:30 PM. The captains took lunch at our usual table, and, as usual, Ichimaru Gin revealed a marvelous lunch, French-themed today. I must get Kira to cook for the Kuchiki house if he ever tires of being a Shinigami. Mayuri gave the soap opera report today. He is quite the pathetic sap. He was blubbering through the synopsis due to the fact that Tanya, his favorite character, ends up losing her memory and forgets that she loves Charlie and goes off and professes her love to her brother Josh. Nitwit. Mayuri, I mean. He only likes Tanya because she is an android. Like him. I do not doubt my suspicion that Nemu was modeled after Tanya.

6:00 PM

Finally finished all the paperwork. Renji's handwriting was much too sloppy, so I was forced to rewrite five reports. His organization of the Hollow database was abysmal also, so I reorganized that. My man-bag's shoulder strap keeps slipping, so tonight I will fix it. My team also has city guard duty tonight, so I cannot watch _If Only Tonight_. Kaname better make a decent summary tomorrow during lunch. He tells it only by what he can "figure out" he says. If only he looked more carefully at the screen. He is certainly not as blind as he claims.

7:00 PM

Eating an early dinner before heading out for patrol. Our cook is inferior to Kira. This is distressing. Note to self: get a DNA sample of Kira and ask Mayuri to clone a chef Kira for the Kuchiki household. My steamed dumplings were so coarse and blasé compared to the ones Ichimaru let the captains sample two days ago. No time to dwell, I must go to section 16 of the city and give assignments to my underlings, aka team. Renji got there before me and then had the indecency to laugh at my compact mirror and man-bag when I pulled both out to check my hair. Quick running can ruin good hair, but I should not entertain thoughts that peasants comme Renji would know this. I shot him an icy death glare and proceeded to give instructions to the team. I gave Renji the worst area to patrol, yet he seemed excited that he was getting the greasy food vendor street full of lard and thieves. His clogged arteries and empty wallet, not mine. I surveyed the area near the prison, a craggy slope with miles of stairs. Knowing that nothing happens here, I settled down on a comfortable rock (now I know there is no such thing) and commenced savoring the barren, zen-like landscape. I would write a poem, but my muse wasn't there. Currently, I am satisfied with writing down daily activities. No doubt posterity will laud me for this excellent piece of work.

12:00 AM

It is so late, but I must relax before going to bed. If anyone found out that I cannot tolerate sleeping later than 10:30 PM, I will most surely be mocked. What am I saying? An early bed-time promotes healthy skin, fewer wrinkles, and lovely temperament. Those lowly night owls should be derided. Very sleepy now, Renji came back with dango and fried fish. He smelled of garbage, too. I took a shower just in case any of his putrid stench lingered on me. Well, that's all for today. I shall turn in now. My comfortable pajamas and stuffed raccoon toy Knightley await. Byakuya bides adieu.

(A/N): Okay, okay, I think Byakuya's like this, so don't kill me if this is not up to your mental par. Review and things. Yes. The stuffed raccoon Knightley will love you forever. Renji's stuffed monkey Martin has nothing on Knightley.


	2. The Day In The Life of Hitsugaya

Oh look, more diary entries! This looks like it will be a chapter thing. I swore I'd never do this! Don't look at me! I've sinned!

Ahem…Bleach not mine.

The Day In The Life Of Hitsugaya

5:30: Woke up at in the morning to train with Hyouinmaru. Stupid Matsumoto's still snoring like a pig. She better be up by six to do paperwork.

6:30: I come back. Damn! She's taking up my shower time! I have to watch _If Only Tonight_ and report to everyone about last night's show. I suspect that Charlie and Tanya did find each other even though Victor separated them in Venice. Well, there's always the recording in the television in my room. Yes, that's a backup. Yes, I'm smart. I know.

8:30: Finally Matsumoto gets out the shower. I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Hey, I look pretty good." Then I smack myself. Only gay old Byakuya says THAT in front of the mirror.

8:50: Finish my shower and put on hair gel. Since there's a meeting, I better put on some more gel, in case I see Hinamori. Gotta look good. Did I say Hinamori? I meant, my fellow captains. Right. Nothing in the fridge except for pickles. Why are there always pickles in the fridge?

8:55: Left for the meeting and coincidentally met Hinamori. Dammit, she's with Aizen, simpering over him, "Aizen-taichou! Aizen-taichou!" Doesn't even look at HAIR. But Aizen notices. Fruitcake. Like Byakuya.

9:00—12:00: As usual, the meeting is a bunch of old people bickering. So I take a nap. Woke up before the lunch bell rang. Went for the usual table, usual spot.

12:00—1:00:As usual, we commented on the lunches. Damn Ichimaru, he always gets good food from Kira. Today's Italian for him. Mexican for me. Matsumoto gives me this stuff at least every other day. What was it I ate? Tos-ta-das? Anyway, they're chips with rubbery cheese on them. Or are these what she calls Na-chous? Do I care? I recounted _If Only Tonight_ for the captains. Mayuri was blubbering when I got to the part about Tanya. We taped his mouth shut. And then his ear starts talking. Damn robot. I bet Nemu's modeled after Tanya. They do look similar…

1:00-6:00: No guard duty this week. But Matsumoto didn't finish the paperwork, so I had to finish it for her. Dammit, wastes my time to go say hi to Hinamori. I mean, visit…friends? Yeah.

6:30—7:00: Dinner is a piece of bread. Matsumoto gets herself some kind of…twenty-dollar salad. Damn Matsumoto wasting all of our grocery money on her rabbit food. And I have to eat cheese all week. I hate cheese.

8:00: Too lazy to finish paperwork. Went and took a shower to get the gel out of my hair. Damn Aizen for noticing. Damn Hinamori for NOT noticing. Bored. Brought rubber ducky to the tub with me. I sure as hell don't trust Kaname with his rendition of _If Only Tonight_. Hell, I'm watching it myself. With the duck Commodore Azazael Engelstair III. Matsumoto's rubber bunny has nothing on the commodore.

9:00—11:00: Bored. Matsumoto left to visit Gin. Why? He's creepy. So, went to visit Kira, Hinamori, and Renji. Hinamori wasn't there. Beat Renji and Kira at go, poker, go fish, BS, and blackjack. Won money. No more cheese for me.

11:30: Back with money. Hinamori left something at the front of my quarters. Has note. It reads: "Aizen-taichou told me you love cheese. So I made a cheese bento for you! Love, Hinamori." Guess what? ALL CHEESE. Cheese sushi, cheese on rice, cheese on broccoli, cheese in the inari. No wasabi, just…cheese whip. Damn Aizen. I ate it all. So for a few minutes, I loved cheese. Just cause. Don't ask.

3:00: Should NOT have eaten cheese so late. Am puking in toilet. Matsumoto is laughing and telling me to shut up so she can sleep. I hate cheese. Ch—urp. Should not mention the "c" word for quite some time. Tomorrow will be better. Wait, now IS tomorrow. Shit. Yes, well, today will be better. Going to get a few more hours of sleep.

Hitsugaya

(A/N): My sister actually wrote most of this. So if you like it, let me know by reviewing. I think all the captains and vice-captains have stuffed animals.


	3. The Day In The Life of Ichimaru

Back with the third chapter! It was hard trying to convey Ichimaru, I modeled him after my English teacher in a way. And of course…

Bleach belongs to a great being that is not me.

The Day In the Life of Ichimaru

I woke up pleasantly early to watch the sunrise and muse over plans and the day's going-ons. Sunrises are quite pretty, but sunsets are murderously beautiful. I would go into more details, but who needs to read that?

What happened afterwards? Oh yes, I went to visit Kira, my malleable little vice-captain. He was packing Team 3's lunches, hunched over the bentos and arranging tomatoes in the salad. He's so cute in his pink apron and carnation pink Hello Kitty handkerchief. I told him so in my most sarcastic way with my biggest smirk. Let's see him try to figure THAT out. I patted his ass too just to let him have a little more to marinate on through the day. Harassing Kira is one of the best things about being a Shinigami captain. I quickly grabbed a cup of coffee and a bagel and exited.

Going outside to enjoy coffee and bagel in the garden, I was pleasantly surprised by Matsumoto Rangiku. She let me know exactly what she thought of my carbohydrate-filled breakfast, but I just smiled at her. Smiles make you think. They're green. Very green. Very important and full of insight. That's why I like to smile. Rangiku-kun smiles too and we eat breakfast. She will be most disturbed when Kira shares his ass-patting incident with the vice-captains at lunch. What can I say? I like twisting minds.

The sun climbs higher and we part ways. After rigorous warm-ups, I send my team out to do morning patrol. More correctly, Kira tells them. I just smile. Afterwards, I throw my arm around Kira and tell him he's so very adorable giving orders. He runs away like a chicken on crack. Being fruity around him is so fun. He responds. Not like cranky old Hitsugaya. And I think Byakuya likes it, which, eerily, disturbs **me**.

I then went to a captain's meeting, which was fun. I enjoyed making two very long speeches about nothing and torturing other captains. Captain Byakuya seemed to be daydreaming, and I saw Captain Hitsugaya drooling. Captain Shunsui was drunk enough to become his own brewery. It was funny seeing people drop dead in stupor like flies in a refrigerator. Of course, after a while, I dismissed the meeting. When all of the captains left, save Aizen-taichou, we exchanged a few words. We then joined the other captains for lunch and the daily summary of _If Only Tonight_. Kaname's summary was…palatable. He had difficulties distinguishing between Victor and Charlie's voices, them being twins and all, and thankfully, Hitsugaya filled us in when Kaname could not. Soi Fung will provide tomorrow's summary, but she's just focus on feminine discrimination, so I'll just watch it myself. Last time she did it, she compared Claudia to Yoruichi and her abandonment of Charlie to herself. We should really reconsider the taking turns issue.

I unveiled Kira's lunch to the jealous captains. My darling vice-captain supplied me with a summer Tuscany themed lunch. Delicious salad, warm pasta and the works. Must remember to kiss Kira in public for this. He gets public humiliation every time the lunches are fantastic. This means daily.

I return early after the meeting to get some paperwork done. I don't have to, really, Kira has finished it for me. I make a few corrections to Kira's analysis of the recent Hollows cleansed and leave. Kira makes a wonderful lunch, but he couldn't figure out a strategy even if we gave him to Mayuri and the robot gave him an extra brain. Nonetheless, Kira is much fun to toy with. And his lunches are spectacular.

Kira made a wonderful dinner of beef katsu. How the boy makes time for all of this, I'll never know. But I smile very widely just for him and give him a good slap on the arse for good measure in front of the team. Whose bitch? Neh, I'm just kidding. I'm not Byakuya. I don't have a penchant for men. IS Byakuya gay? I must carefully figure out that mystery.

I take a shower and watch _If Only Tonight_ as I wash. Showers with TVs inside are marvelous. Once that was over, I retired to my room, and am now writing of the day's events. All of the captains have stuffed animals, but mine is the cutest. Kuroyan the white and grey kitty-cat is on my head and watching me write, which is why I mention it. I once told Kira that his plush canary Chiko could play with Kuroyan and he ran away, as if I conjured up dirty thoughts in his head. I know I did. It's my specialty.

Kuroyan and I are tired. I will sleep early and perhaps wake early to surprise Kira in his room. He'll scream like a girl. Or perhaps I should visit Aizen-taichou. I'm starting to sound like Hinamori-chan. I better get rest.

With a smile,

Ichimaru Gin

(A/N): Liked it? Tell me who you want next! And review! Kuroyan likes reviews! And Chiko likes sushi!


	4. The Day In The Life of Sui Fong

New installment! If she comes off as a hard-core feminist with distaste for men and Yoruichi…you guessed right. Go feminists! And if this has the hints of The Heart of Darkness…you're right.

Upon the high mountains in a distant land lies Bleach. And I do not own it.

The Day in the Life of Sui Fong

I woke before the sun rose to meditate on the rooftop about my purpose in life. My black ninja plushy cat Sasuke accompanied me. We two are avengers. As the sun rose over this citadel of darkness, the ink of night left the city, but its dark desires and evil did not. No white paint or stone can ever hide the indelible crimes of Yoruichi. The wind is rough and cold on the rooftop, but I don't care. The frigid air brings pain as Yoruichi's betrayal does to my heart. As does Charlie's betrayal of Claudia in the soap opera If Only Tonight. I'm giving a great synopsis on last night's episode. The themes of regret, selfishness and the powers of darkness permeated last night's show. The captains will thank me for doing my job so well.

Sasuke is now safely placed in my room with his little zanpakuto in case his brother, the white and grey cat Kuroyan comes. His brother killed their family, Sasuke told me. His only wish in life is to destroy the origin of the destruction, his brother. I wonder where Kuroyan is now. No matter. The greater matter was that my nose-picking vice-captain…er… (The names of subordinates that will not journey with me to the ends of the earth to exterminate the devil Yoruichi are wasted on me) decided to give me a wholesome breakfast. I threw his slop of bacon and eggs to my team and ate cold, raw rice instead. Betrayed avengers only need food that keeps them going, like rice, to exact revenge on the dark devils that drink at the river of Death. I take a cold bath in the deserted fishpond, for who needs warm water that weakens the soul and makes resolution vacillate? After dressing in my uniform, which reminds me daily of Yoruichi and her treachery, I leave to train before my team will join me.

Apparently, my team has trained already. No matter to me. I then use the remainder of the morning to train again. My speed has increased today by 0.0021 seconds, which means one step closer to ceasing the pain in my heart: killing the duplicitous bitch from Hell. Now that it is 10:00 AM, I must go collect my team and dispatch them into the outside world to cleanse Hollows.

Whacked five Hollows today. My team, in total, only cleansed three. This is why I'm captain. No! I must not be smug! Being SMUG means being LAX means NOT BEING STRONG ENOUGH TO KILL YORUICHI IF SHE EVER RETURNS! What am I doing? No matter. It is 12:20 PM and I am late for lunch. I dash away to eat with the captains and give my report.

May I say that my parallel of Charlie's betrayal of Claudia for his brother Victor (because he has realized that he is gay) to Yoruichi's treachery worked beautifully. My vice-captain AGAIN tried to pack me a healthy lunch of a salad and squares of cereal he calls "cereal bars". I reluctantly ate it, not wishing to be look pathetic compared to the magnificent lunches of Aizen and Ichimaru. At least I did not eat cheese from a can the way Hitsugaya did. THAT is weakness. And disgusting. After my summary of last night's show, I launched into a brilliant rant about feminine power about how Claudia should cast her chains of love and fight to be equal to Charlie. She has much to learn. As do my weak fellow male captains who sat silent and dazed. Byakuya will be giving the report tomorrow. That weakling had better not discuss Victor's lack of fashion sense. At least it will be better than Mayuri's report. Everyone's report is always better than Mayuri's. That freakishly freakish freakity freak-freak.

Tonight I have my monthly team status report to turn into the first captain. He congratulated me on my successful exterminations (if only one had been Yoruichi, that serpent) and intimated the possibility off promotion to the Center 64. Becoming part of the Soul Society's governing body would be an honor. If I became part of the center, I would ratify a law declaring that if Yoruichi ever returned, she would be killed by ME. And also that Kuroyan be found so that my darling Sasuke could exact revenge on his evil brother. Yes, being part of the Center 64 would be perfect. This encourages me to work HARDER at being stronger.

I trained late into the night for it is now 11:00 PM and I began at 7:00 PM after a dinner of raw vegetables. No damn man will tell ME what to eat. Especially not my vice-captain or my team. Now clean, I will meditate with Sasuke about our foe. Then we shall have a light nap, only to awaken again to another bleak day. Another possibility to destroy the evil that feeds our hating souls. Sasuke and I will not fail in destroying Kuroyan and Yoruichi.

_Between the essence_

_And the descent_

_Falls the Shadow_

Sui Fong, Captain of the Second Division, Soul Society.

(A/N): Sasuke the ninja cat is a play on Naruto, yes. The lines in italics are from a poem by T.S. Eliot called _The Hollow Men_. Tough poem, very good. Review if you like avenging! And also if you'd like to make a suggestion as to who you want to see next!


	5. The Day In The Life of Mayuri

Thank you for all of the suggestions, but I'm focusing on captains first and then maybe going to vice-captains and such. I'm not a chapter fic sort of person, so I don't want to be a hypocrite and write something long and boring when I'll generally only read one-shots. So there you have it.

I'm not Galahad, so the Holy Grail that is Bleach is not mine.

The Day in the Life of Mayuri

Startup/ PressF1forManualStartUp 

Startup/ PressF2forSafeMode 

………………../……….Query:RunOperation? Y/N ?

Running…..

Run Successful. Welcome Mayuri-san.

Run: ScienceJournal.app

6:07 AM

System scan: Last completed: yesterday

Virus scan: 0 viruses found

Downloads: http/ Status: Complete.

Stored: M/Mayuri'sVideos/IfOnlyTonight/Episodes/125

That seems to be everything important so far. This journal is excellent for writing down scientific experiments and daily doings. In Organizer: Thank Nemu for giving me ScienceJournal program for Father's Day/ Creator's Day. She will be rewarded with a memory upgrade and more RAM. I must go check up on several experiments in the lab, then get Nemu out of standby mode. She's a energy hog. I need some electricity too for my arms and various other parts.

6:32 AM

New Mail: 4

Energy: Full Charge

Taking a shower in the morning with my cyborg fox Kurtz. My success in the field of toy animation should get me an award. Who else would think of feeding an electrical current through a half plush/half mechanical fox toy to render it "living"? Answer: Me. Correct? Duh. Not all that time reading Frankenstein by Mary Shelley was wasted.

7:10 AM

Read Mail: 4

New Mail: 0

Read my mail by look at the computer sewed onto my Captain's sleeve as a nutritious breakfast of high-octane gasoline and rice porridge was consumed. Why does Shunsui keep sending me crap mail? No, I do not need or want Prozac or pregnancy pills. I can procreate by stealing dead body parts and fusing them using chemistry, biology, and physics. Nemu is an excellent example. I hope she will never figure out in her dim processor mind that she was modeled after Tanya, my favorite character in my favorite soap opera. That would be awkward. In a father/daughter, creator/creation way.

7:45 AM

Nemu reports today's upcoming events. At least her memory is good, or else there would go her AI system for one day. Pop! I amuse myself. Kurtz is on security alarm mode so that NO ONE will enter the lab. It says on the sleeve that I have a 9:00 AM appointment with Zaraki Kenpachi. I do recall we were to discuss an unusual bomb he found in his patrol district, so I will be taking it to the lab to analyze the chemicals. It may prove useful in creating a new weapon for myself. Perhaps projectiles that come from my fingers, or my teeth can be explosives when I pull them out and detonate them! 1 pwn3d j00! 1 4 \/ \/4d -4xx0r 5upr3\/3! L33t!

Ahem…that never happened. Must be a virus of some sort. Yes. Must've been. I don't talk in l33t and I certainly will not go and play Halo 2 with Zaraki. No. Thank God this is a secured journal.

9:52 AM

Running Scan: ChemID.app

Downloading: http/ http/ chemical analysis is running and I have just finished examining a dead body. Excellent Shinigami. Or was. His body will be carefully embalmed, I will be in need of his DNA sample soon for a future project. Speaking of DNA, Byakuya recently wanted me to get some of vice-captain Kira's DNA. Wants a clone, I am sure. No idea why. And I don't want to know. Analysis is out. Now to work.

1:15 PM

Computer Scan: Fixing: 80 fix complete

Byakuya gave the _If Only Tonight_ report during lunch. As I sipped my vitamin-enhanced performance drink, I could not help but cry when I heard that Tanya had her memory erased and she is now programmed to destroy Charlie who is disguised as Victor in order to hide from Claudia the fact that he is gay. No Tanya! Listen to your semi-human heart and motherboard! Charlie isn't evil! I wished to know more, but Byakuya was too busy discussing Claudia's hideous choice of shoes. Instead of giving him a clone, I should replace his brain and analyze it. That would give me something to do when I'm bored. Or perhaps I should dissect Gin's brain. It would be very wrinkly, perfect for my new creation. Actually, Hitsugaya's brain may be even more wrinkly, so I will take his.

4:32 PM

Running: AIcreation.app

Paperwork was quickly completed. With a mind like a computer (or 72 computer, to be precise) it does not take much time. So I returned early to my quarters and read Frankenstein. That book never ceases to get old. I really relate to Victor Frankenstein. And thankfully, Nemu is not ugly like the monster in the story. Or else I would kill her. Or reassemble her.

9:16 PM

I read many things for precisely three hours and thirty-seven minutes. Then, I proceeded to beat Hitsugaya at chess. You can't beat a computer, er partial computer. And the money I won will buy me new machinery…and Android Invasion 5. Uhh…I never said that. I must go watch If Only Tonight, which starts at 9:30 PM. Kurtz will join me. And Nemu can watch if she doesn't bother me like last time when I started crying. Nemu says that Tanya creeps her out because she looks so similar to her. Now I'll HAVE to erase that part of her memory. Waste of good time I could spend writing If Only Tonight fanfiction. Speaking of which, I got 12 reviews today! Who doesn't like Tanya/Victor, come ON?

10:00 PM

Lacking energy, so I will plug myself into the energy source in the wall and go to sleep. Kurtz needs to recharge too, so I had better go. So much to do tomorrow, and I did so much today anyway! Oh well, the life of a mad scientist was never suppose to be easy.

SignOff ./Do you wish to sign off? Y/N 

ShuttingOff 

Goodnight Mayuri-san 


	6. Chapter 6

Okay, I'm back! Here I am with a new chapter! And thank you to my lovely reviewers! Your reviews are the catalyst that makes this reaction possible! Onward ho to Kenpachi!

Disclaimer: It's used to clean clothing, but I don't own a single gallon of Bleach.

The Day in the Life of Zaraki Kenpachi

Time: Early Morning

Yachiru's mood: sleeping

I always have to wake up obscenely early if I want to write in my diary, um, I mean, Bingo Book of Death. At least my stuffed animal Captain Miniminiminko-chan the squirrel is outside guarding the door. I think I smell something burning…hold on.

Time: Not so early morning

Yachiru's mood: just woken up and cranky

Guess what I found in the kitchen?

Eyebrow-boy's eyebrow burning.

Yachiru and Baldy were already there trying to put out the miniature forest fire with a wet towel and fan. Yachiru wasn't really helping by fanning the flames, so I removed her and told her to go change into uniform and make her bed. That really helped the situation.

Time: Morning

Yachiru's mood: full

If you haven't noticed already, diary/bingo book, Team 11's a big-ass, dysfunctional, retarded family. This is Yachiru's idea. She says I'm the dad, Eyebrow boy's the younger sister, Baldy's the oldest brother, and the rest of the team is also brothers and sisters. She's the mom. Sometimes I wonder whether I should've kept her the day I found her in the woods, because she says the weirdest things and tells me about the strangest stuff. Okay, like this morning, an hour ago. After the eyebrow incident, the team shuts up and we're eating instant noodles for breakfast. Then the girl whispers in my ear, "I caught Eyebrow wearing a purple miniskirt yesterday on duty." I choke on the ramen and start pounding the wooden table. WTF? Team panics. Ikaku is about to kill everyone since he's flailing his frikkin pike.

Note: inspect Yachiru's teeth after brushing, find and burn alleged miniskirt, pack everyone's lunches, fix the hair

Team needs: toothpaste, eyebrow tweezer ( I swear to frikkin God I bought the guy a pair last week!), fire extinguisher, more ramen, and a new wooden table. Oh, and Baldy needs a tea towel to shine his bald head.

Time: Late Morning

Yachiru's mood: happy

Yachiru's on my shoulder playing with her flamingo, Morris. I should probably—

Oh shit. Where is she?

And where's Miniminiminko-chan?

Time: Later morning

Yachiru's mood: bouncy

I cannot believe that my vice-captain can be so suicidal sometimes. Guess where Yachiru was? Asking Soi Fung about Yoruichi. Did she want me to get fucking killed? No, let me rephrase that: does she want Team 13 to be killed? Luckily, I dragged her away before Soi Fung gets into the part of her speech when she screams and curses Yoruichi and starts attacking anything nearby. Crazy woman. I tell Yachiru not to hang around the freaky old lady. Currently, she's on my right shoulder tapping my ear with her stuffed flamingo. Where the hell did that name Morris come from? Team's done with warm-ups, gotta go delegate jobs. Did I put Captain Miniminiminko-chan back on the bed? He mentioned to me this morning that he saw Ichimaru's Kuroyan slithering around. That is one weird kitty.

Note: ask Yachiru where the name Morris comes from, finish writing report on mysterious bomb, meet with Mayuri to give him bomb found during patrol yesterday, give Yachiru educational book to read, tell Yachiru to stop tapping ear, tell Yachiru to STOP LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER WHEN I'M WRITING AND STOP SAYING OUTLOUD EVERY WORD I WRITE

Time: Afternoon

Yachiru's mood: unknown, but probably hyper

The only time Yachiru's out of my sight is during lunch. Not that I'm overjoyed, I'm a bit overprotective of her. But I don't think If Only Tonight is suitable for children, so I'm glad I sent her to the vice-captain table today. She can go bother Kira with his pretty lunches. I want a pretty lunch. Then again, I like raw egg and ketchup on rice, but nothing's wrong with variation.

Today Ichimaru had to give the report for the soap opera. I'm dying to know whether Tanya's pregnancy test came back positive, because she's an android, and that's impossible. Or is it? Mayuri had to be 'excused' because he began ranting about android rights and later started to sob when Tanya couldn't reproduce. Ichimaru Gin had Korean barbeque for lunch. Stupid lunch, stupid Kira. Hitsugaya had cheese puffs, and glared at Aizen, to a point at which I think the cheese puffs became ice cubes. Unfortunately, I don't know what happened at the end of If Only Tonight because one of Byakuya's bone clips broke and he screamed. Fruitcake.

Note: Abduct Kira and fight him. If he survives, he will make lunches for Team 11 FOREVER. Find out what happened at the end of If Only Tonight. Tell Hitsugaya to stop eating rancid cheese because stinks up the table. Comb Miniminiminko-chan's fluffy tail. Remove the horse tranquilizaer from Mayuri's ear.

Time: Late late late afternoon

Yachiru's mood: annoying

Yachiru's bouncing behind me as I do paperwork and is informing me the day's events. Eyebrow gave old Baldy the 'eye' to provoke him, and it turned into a street-side brawl. How embarrassing, I'll have to punish them by showing them how to really fight—I mean, by enforcing rules. Yes, rules. And since my team doesn't have duty tonight, we're going to order in food and watch If Only Tonight. Well, I'll watch if no one else will. And Captain Miniminiminko-chan has to do an inspection of the Acorn Scouts, which are all the other stuffed animal squirrels of Team 11. You should see Baldy's squirrel, it's bald like him. You don't want to know how that's done.

Note: Order takoyaki, one ketchup-flavored, one lemon-flavored, two pepper flavored, lots of churros, and nutritional gummy bears for Yachiru because I don't want her teeth falling out.

Time: Late night

Yachiru's mood: sleeping peacefully

I am grossly stuffed with junk food and ready to retire for the night. Miniminiminko-chan is already tucked in, and the rest of Team 11 is out cold. My report tomorrow at lunch will be outstanding.

Note: Tomorrow, find the miniskirt, and go buy previously recorded household items.

Zaraki Kenpachi

Tyme: latelatelatelatelatelatelate knight

Hi Ken-chan! Its Yachiru! I kant go two slep. Nex time, you shud hid yore diaree bedder. Butt don't worry, bekaus yor sekrets arr safe with mee and Morris and Miniminiminko-chan and his Akorn scouts, Sasukay, Kuro-yawn, Chikoo, Nightllee, Gregoree, Kurtzee, Komodoor As-a-zale Anglestar da Thurd and de oddur stuff animuls. Right morree bekaus all da odder books are boring or I kant reed them.

Yachiru

And thank you to **Lil' Monk** and **Meghan** for pointing out my horribly obvious mistake. Deeply appreciated!


	7. The Day In The Life of Aizen

Okay, okay, because I know that you know that I know that you want more, here's, well, more. And thank you to my faithful reviewers like missashlee28, mikan, teamgaifan, azn anime addict, seal-chan, and all of you! And, eerily, most of you have anticipated correctly the next chapter. Yes, it's--

Disclaimer: The Bleach, she is not mine. But she nice, the Bleach.

The Day In the Life of Aizen Sousuke

**Morning of the Second Month of Summer**

The dawn is so lovely in the summer; especially the early dawn that no one except myself wakes up to see. It is a lovely shade of grapefruit pink with a hint of carnation, akin to the coloration of Captain Kuchiki Byakuya's eye shadow. It is subtle, but I notice. I always notice the things people try to hide the most. It's a talent, the way Vice-Captain Abarai Renji has a talent for singing like the mortal pop singer Britney Spears, prettily and high. But I digress, for I came to record upon my captain's log the schedule for today and perhaps my thoughts.

Ah yes, first off, I must inform my vice-captain Hinamori Momo that there are several season's end papers we must finish before we send it off to the Center, though the Center is currently not present. I also must take my team out to do late afternoon patrol in the city. During lunch, Captain Zaraki Kenpachi will be giving the If Only Tonight summary for the captains. As long as he refrains from becoming to violently caught up in the moment, I think there will be no injuries this time. Previously on Captain Zaraki's turn, Captain Soi Fong was nearly decapitated and was sent into the Fourth Division ward for three days do to her wound. I'm sure that cut into her time at the Jynx Butterfly Bar as self-proclaimed 'geisha-dominatrix bartender with a sweet ass'. Well, she did not as so much proclaim it as said it drunkenly when she goes there to drown her sorrows. The so-called strong tend to have the greatest weaknesses of all.

Now I must be off to begin warm-ups with the team and finish papers. And I should compliment Hinamori for the divine lunch she has packed me today. A bento arranged cleverly in the shape of my stuffed animal, Cuddles the Piggy, courtesy of Hinamori.

**Late Morning**

The team has been delegated training exercises and jobs until late afternoon. As my vice-captain and I worked, I noticed that she had a bit of a bruise near her right eye and what seemed like rope burn on the palm of her left hand. She put on quite a show of excusing herself, insisting that she had merely fallen down the steps. I just smiled, everyone knows that she participates in underground girl-on-girl combat death matches to earn money. I've heard that she is quite adept at full nelsons and fighting with barbed chains. And I suppose that I lie when I say everyone, for everyone is, unfortunately, only me. But the "Battle Vixens" tape I left anonymously on Hitsugaya Toushiro's doorstep will hopefully shed more publicity on Hinamori Momo's talent.

**Afternoon**

As usual, the captains have gathered to partake in lunch and discuss our favorite soap opera. Captain Zaraki's interpretation of the verbal duel between Charlie and Victor was lively and resulted in a tree's branch falling into Captain Hitsugaya's lunch of cheese and other food products. Captain Ichimaru Gin brought a charming lunch prepared, as usual, by his vice captain. I wonder if Gin knows that his blonde underling enjoys cleaning the house in a French maid outfit. Now that I think about, Gin probably makes the boy wear the outfit. Then, why would young Kira sing songs from Aladdin and Cinderella? Ah, but I digress again. What was most fascinating today was the disruption of soap opera bliss.

Recently, in Captain Mayuri's search for Tanya fanfiction, he stumbled across an AU crossover fiction involving _If Only Tonight_ and a sci-fi soap called _Galatica 100 Love_. Many of us are uncomfortable with his sudden fervor, which is most uncaptainly. Then again, Captain Mayuri has often had uncaptainly pleasures, such as a penchant for ballroom dancing in a pretty pink dress that was stolen from Nemu. But no more on the disheartening subject, I must go on patrol.

**Evening**

Patrol was most uneventful; thus, I chatted with Ichimaru Gin about this and that. He was most surprised by the many dirty little secrets I had dug up on various captains, but it was nearly impossible to detect his shock through the trademark smile. He also betted that he could dig up my secrets, and with that, left. I had to chuckle when he left, for I was already very much ahead of him. He has dirt on him like a muddy warthog, but for all his snooping, he has, and will not have, anything on me. Perhaps he should excavate Captain Hitsugaya, or perhaps Captain Ukitate's secrets, which are copious. For instance, I had no idea that Captain Hitsugaya dabbled in art and designs fashionable men's underwear, or that Captain Ukitate enjoys singing karaoke and is a dutiful Celine Dion fan. To be honest, I never knew that so many of my fellow male captains were so enamored with female singers, or unusual hobbies.

Perhaps I am the only normal one here?

Now, I must depart to discuss with Gin and Kaname a few details and adjustments to my Plan. I have a feeling that Soi Fong will most likely be singing with Ukitate tonight at the bar and I would hate to miss that.

Sincerely,

Aizen Sousuke

So, who's up next? And what'd you think? Kuroyan and Cuddles will come and visit all reviewers!


	8. The Day in The Life of Shunsui and Ukita

Wow, it's been awhile. Looks like this is going to be the last captain fic, before I open with the new vice-captain chapters, so you're all in for a treat! It's a twofer! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Got Bleach? Not me.

The Day in the Life of Shunsui and Ukitate

5:30 AM—Ukitate Jyuushiro

Finally, we've gotten a new journal! We as in myself, Captain Ukitate Jyuushiro and Captain Kyouraku Shunsui. Let me explain, since you are a new journal and all (this is odd, talking, er, writing to a journal).

Since Shunsui and I have been friends since who knows when, we thought up an ingenious way of talking to each other and staying friends no matter where we are: by keeping a journal in which we both write!

Well, now that I've said a bit I'm going back to sleep. I was just eager to write in the journal before Shunsui could take it from its hiding place in the library. So, to Shunsui:

I win.

8:00 AM—Kyouraku Shunsui

Awww…Ukitate got here first? Talk about an injury to my pride as a man and an early riser! Anyway, I should probably go eat the breakfast that Nanao-chan has set on the table outside before she drags me out herself. Not that I mind, for I love my sweet, sweet Nanao-chan!

But still, might as well go in case she does it like last time when she dragged me by my hair. Ouch.

10:00 AM—Shunsui again

I'm currently on my way to an emergency captain's meeting. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. Nothing a bottle of sake cannot solve, and I brought sake! Maybe I'll drink a little before I go into the meeting room, I have 20 minutes to kill…

10:40 AM—Jyuushiro

As I was walking to the emergency captain's meeting, guess who I found outside the door of the building completely drunk? Being the kind, generous person that I am, I kindly and generously hauled my best friend's body into the building and up two flights of stairs. The only satisfaction I got was that I dragged him up by his oversized hat. His face was turning a pleasant shade of bluish-purple that made me feel better.

I should stop now because I have to slap Shunsui awake and take a break.

11:30 AM—Shunsui, who has a killer headache

I wish my darling, sweet Nanao-chan were here to dull and soothe the pain that wrecks my head. And my hat. Oh, munificent angel, where are you?

11:31 AM—Jyuushiro

Munificent?

11:32AM—Shunsui

Why, of course, sweet Ukitate!

11:33 AM—Jyuushiro

sweet? And we're late! And why am I writing when I could be talking? Ah—

11:34 AM—Shunsui, who is concerned

Ukitate just knocked out. I definitely see a trickle of blood coming from the corner of his mouth. Not good. Maybe a drink for the two of us will help this pre--

11:40 AM—Ise Nanao

Captain Kyouraku Shunsui, to whom I am his second in command, and Captain Ukitate Jyuushiro, who is my captain's closest and oldest companion, are, as I write, lying on stone stairs, precisely 1 hour and 20 minutes late for an important captain's meeting. I write this to let them know who exactly dragged these two unfortunate men up five flights of stairs when they awaken. And, Captain, you have yet to fill out the release forms for several Shinigami of our Division.

1:00 PM—Shunsui

Ah, beautiful, darling angel, Nanao-chan! I knew you would rescue us! She is so diligent and good like that! Anyhow, the emergency meeting turned out to be called by Soi Fong and Mayuri, not the First Captain. What a surprise! It also turned out that the special two-hour finale of "If Only Tonight" was on, which was why we were called for the emergency meeting, as Mayuri found out only three hours ago.

1:40 PM—Jyuushiro

That was the most _beautiful _finale I ever saw! I am still dabbing tears away from my eyes and trying to keep my heartbeat at a physically safe level before I again cough up blood. Finally, Tanya was able to become human! And there was a double wedding! For so long, I have advocated Victor/Charlie on and it finally came true! It turned out they were _never_ truly twins at all but _past_ _lovers_! So HA, stupid fanfic writer mechaman3rd. Tanya/Victor? Please.

2:00 PM—Shunsui

Ukitate, you got the pages wet. Anyway, after watching the finale (kind of maudlin, but oh-so sparkly and white. It reminded me of the pure grace of Nanao-chan!), we broke out some sake (courtesy of myself) and lunches and toasted the end of such a superb show! Mayuri and Zaraki had to be led away, they were sobbing so profusely we couldn't even hear the dialogue. Mayuri was screaming, "Damn that fanfic writer 13Silverhair13!" Whatever that means. The room's walls change color? Wow, that's a new development…

3:14 PM—Jyuushiro

Well, I have given out the weekly assignments to my division and have apologized to Ise Nanao several times for retrieving her captain in a complete drunken stupor for the second time today. I would have continued, but the next thing I knew, I was at the 4th division headquarters with an IV in my wrist. Seems that I fell over in an apoplectic 'moment'. Woops.

5:27 PM—Shunsui

So here I am in the 4th division infirmary, apparently getting the alcohol drained from my system. By several medics. Several very good-looking medics. But none so amazing and gentle as lovely Nanao-chan! Apparently they've been at it for three hours. According to Jyuushiro, who's in the bed next to mine, they've never seen so much alcohol in anyone's bloodstream. Says that want to take me to Mayuri to use as an experiment. Frigid Nanao-chan said "Of course." Oh, those cruel words! Hey, there are new medics! Oh, the previous ones, one new medic said, ran out of spiritual energy. I didn't know they even admitted Shinigami with such little spiritual energy into the Soul Society! Who knew?

11:00 PM—Jyuushiro

Alright, I have officially used up 2 large boxes of tissues and have played several rounds of poker with Shunsui in the medical wing. I still can't over the beautiful Charlie/Victor ending! I won't be able to go to sleep tonight! Wait, I don't think this is a healthy pulse level—

12:00 PM—Ise Nanao

Both captains are now in their respective quarters. I am going to bed. I have never been so physically over-exerted in my life. And they're puerile stuffed animals Puff-puff the silver Shih Tzu (Captain Ukitate's) and Muffer the black bear (Captain Kyouraku's, which apparently came with a matching smaller pink bear named Miffy that I unfortunately kept for the Captain's sake and sanity) are with their respective owners, since both clung protectively to the things. This has all be quite ridiculous.

A/N: I didn't like the opening, but hey, I liked the ending bits. And if you couldn't figure out, mechaman3rd and 13Silverhair13 were the fanfic names of Mayuri and Ukitate. Yes. Comment if you write fanfic that comes true! Or not…


	9. The Day in The Life of Abarai Renji

After quite a break, I'm BACK with the Vice-Captain diaries! If you fear excessive swearing and naked folk, you ought to run. Right now. Before it's too late.

Note: Kira was going to be first, but I felt like this one was a better journal to open the new 'season' with. However, KIRA WILL BE NEXT, I SWEAR.

Disclaimer: If I were really skilled, Bleach would've been mine a long time ago

* * *

The Day in the Life of Abarai Renji

Dear Diary, no, Piece of Paper, shit, JOURNAL,

So taichou (I'll explain him later, he needs a lot of explaining) suggested that I start a diary, fuck it, JOURNAL to "relieve the stress and anger in my life". Whatever. I wasn't going to do it until I finally found a decent, empty scroll that I could use. I'm not writing my life into a tiny, pink pleather notebook that says "Kuchiki 4eva". No.

Right, Kuchiki Byakuya's my captain. I'm the vice-captain. Look, can I just cut the crap and get on with my day? Momo said that I have to introduce myself to my diary DAMMIT, JOURNAL! Okay, I'll just recap the day. And I gotta say, I give it a F. For a FUCKING FREAKISH FAILURE.

So, I planned on taking a shower this morning. I _planned_, you notice that? But when I was about to open the door, fucking taichou opens it and starts screaming about how the stars of some crappy soap opera are going to be visiting an area of Japan really close to a spirit portal. I told him to shut the hell up. Hey, I would've been happy for him.

If he wasn't completely naked and shrieking like a girl in front of me.

His 'Kuchiki heirlooms' are so not as big as mine. Liar. One good thing about today.

But I tried to be normal about it. I went into the shower and started cursing at Gregory, my rubber ducky. He didn't deserve that, so I apologized to him.

Then, I'm nice and clean. I grab a waffle from someone's plate and drink some coffee. Then, I wrote up a few more pages of my romance novel. What? Guys can write romance novels! My other one, "Sweet Nothings at Midnight" got frikkin 'rave reviews'. Yeah, I have FANS.

Actually had to go to the human world today. Major hollows everywhere in Hokkaido. Kicked major ass. When we were going back, taichou kept whining about how his leg got cut. He thinks it's going to leave 'an unsightly scar that will surely blemish my flawless skin.' He's a bigger flame than that burning bush Moses talked to.

So, came back in time to meet up with Matsumoto and Yachiru. Momo packed lunch for us all today, so we got ham and cucumber sandwiches shaped like our vice-captain crests and for dessert, super cute, super pink dango. Nemu's doing lunch tomorrow, better not be her polyurethane or whatever the chemical hell excuse for food. I never looked at plastic the same way again after Nemu's last attempt at lunch. Plastic sausage. Uh, enough said.

Oh yeah, the one good thing about today was lunch. I gotta say, I've heard Toushiro tell Momo about captain lunches, and honestly, I don't know what the _fuck_ is wrong with them. Do you know what they do? They compete to see who has the best lunch, and then they talk about some soap opera. If being a captain means that, I'd rather run through Rukongai screaming, "I dream about Mayuri dating armadillos in yukatas!" And trust me, Isane did that when she was drunk once. It wasn't pretty.

But anyway, vice-captain lunches are WAY better. Every day, we take turns making lunch for everyone, and someone brings a game, juicy gossip, or something interesting to do for the rest of the hour. So after dango, Nanao taught us how to play mahjongg. Shuuhei and Matsumoto's team won. Kira and I lost miserably. Since it's my turn to bring the game tomorrow, I'm bringing mahjongg. And this time, it's gonna be STRIP mahjongg. I WILL win!

Okay, so there's no paperwork yet, so I got the rest of the day off. Momo, Kira, and I went into the city to help Momo pick a birthday present out for Aizen. It was pretty boring, so I tried to think of a good name for my female protagonist in my novel. Would Lila be good? Elsa? Miko? Maybe I'll name her Yoruichi and see if Soi Fong buys out all of my novels.

Then ate at RamenRamen. Had boba. Went back to team six quarters. Talked to Martin, my stuffed monkey, about possible plot lines for "Autumn's Heated Days". Byakuya came in and I almost threw my scroll at him. He said he wanted to borrow moisturizer. Why the hell would I have moisturizer anyway? Even if I DID use Juniper and Mint Wake-Up lotion everyday, I'm not letting him use it. It's fucking MINE.

Oh, and did I mention that he walked into my room with his Ku-CHEEK-is in full view? What is he, a nudist? And if he is, why does he have to be naked around ME all the time? ARGH!

Gonna go to sleep.

Renji

11:52 PM: BYAKUYA IS OUTSIDE MY DOOR AND SLEEPWALKING NAKED. SOMEONE KILL HIM.

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(A/N) If you feel sorry for Renji's naked encounters, review! Martin is willing to share banana bread with all of you! 


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